This is not the blog post I would’ve wanted to write for this month. To be honest, it’s not a post I would ever have wanted to write. But sometimes life is not about what we want.
A little more than a month ago, I started noticing something odd in my hands, an ache that wouldn’t go away after a night’s sleep. I have had those before, especially when using my phone too much or forgetting time while holding up my Steam Deck, but they usually went away again after a couple of days of reducing usage.
Possible Causes
This time, however, I feel like they were actually coming from work. Most likely the ⌘ + C and ⌘ + V shortcuts I had to use a lot because we were preparing a lot of screen designs for a huge website by filling them with copy from Word documents. The way I do these shortcuts isn’t ideal, I do them with my left hand, by reaching under my hand for the ⌘ key with my thumb and pressing C or V with my index finger.
Not very ergonomic, Apple! It’s easier on Windows/Linux layouts, where you can simply use your pinky finger for Ctrl. There are options to change around the functions of the keys in the settings. However, I don’t really like it if my keyboard shows something other than what happens when pressed, even though I do type blindly for the most part. The whole reason I do the copy / paste shortcuts the way I do is because it allows me to keep my hands in the same position on the keyboard, hovering over the home row.
Start of an Odyssey
It took me a while to find out that that was the most likely cause, but unfortunately, that muscle memory isn’t easily unlearned, even under pain and besides, I still had lots and lots of work to do. So I resorted to two things, I tried to use my hands as little as possible while not working—and I went to see a doctor.
The first step seemed to help a little, although it weighed down on my psyche. There’s so much I want to do, and it just doesn’t feel right to work work work and then turn into a potato on the couch watching things on TV and perhaps reading a little (although that also requires the use of hands and thumbs!).
Going to the doctor was frustrating. I know this is me writing from a very privileged position since we do have universal healthcare. Still, during the appointment, I had to wait for more than an hour only to be seen by a doctor for five minutes who told me it was nothing, I should just take painkillers, and it would go away again. The painkillers he prescribed were an obscene dosage with pretty severe side effects (stroke, heart attack) in about one of a hundred cases. No, thank you.
So I went to see my GP, who also didn’t really have much time for me, but at least tried to empathise. She told me to not take those painkillers, took some blood, prescribed some less aggressive medication, and sent me home.
A few days later, I came back to talk through the results with her. My blood is fine, there’s a single value that’s slightly too high, but it’s unlikely that it is the cause. By this stage, not only did I have pain in my hands, but also other joints, most prominently my feet, ankles, and knees. I don’t know if it was related, they have mostly faded again in the meantime, leaving just my fingers on both hands and left elbow in pain.
Her suggestion when I called back after another week of pain was to go see a neurologist. The soonest appointment I could get at a neurologist is July (it’s currently March). So I decided to go see another orthopaedist. He did an ultrasound of my left wrist, said a tendon was inflamed, and jabbed a cortisone injection into it, all in the span of about three minutes.
He said if this didn’t help, I’d have to get surgery. That was a week ago, my wrist is now bruising, and the pain has changed but not lessened.
Worries Rising
In this month of pain, I’ve come to realise how much I rely on my hands. I need them to eat, wash myself, read, work, play video games, enjoy life. I have developed a huge respect for anyone who has to go through life without access to one or both hands, I wouldn’t even know how I’d leave my flat without my hands!
I know (I hope!) I’m overreacting and this is a very temporary situation with a very definite solution. But going to sleep every night in pain and waking up every morning in pain, not knowing the cause, not knowing what to do to make it stop, is wearing me out.
None of the doctors I saw told me not to work. The last orthopaedist even said “No, keep doing what you can” when I asked whether I should stop using my hands altogether. Without a doctor’s note, I cannot stop going to work. I have to trust them, but I find that I can’t. The way I’ve been waved through in minimal amounts of time and moved over to the next type of doctor without any real help makes it hard to believe in their competence.
I don’t want to lose my hands, I don’t want to make things worse, but I also don’t know what to do any more. I’ll call the orthopaedist’s tomorrow and tell them about the bruising and that the pain hasn’t stopped. I already booked another appointment at a different doctor at the end of the month to see if there’s perhaps another reason this is happening to me.
But I’m tired of worrying, tired of not being able to work on my projects, tired of not even being able to play a game with my partner.
Moving On
I’m already looking into ways of making my setup more ergonomic, and this experience has only strengthened my resolve in paying more attention to the accessibility of my projects. I keep reframing the situation in my mind, keep telling myself that others have it much worse. Even though I might currently not be able to do as much as I’m used to, I can at least still hold a fork or turn a page, or even type a few words like these. I’ll keep moving on.
This is a bit more personal than what I usually publish on this blog, but I sincerely hope that by next month, I’ll be back with some more technical content. Fingers crossed. 🤞 See you then!